Home for the month. My green dervish is whirling in the centre of my tent as I rest from the daily stretch and a hip alignment. One day my hip will be aligned, this day is coming near as it’s almost there, and one day I will be able to whirl again. Until then, this dervish spirit gives me inspiration and emotional comfort, that this puppet is making me a home in many spots around the globe. He is turning around itself and I was turning around the globe in the past three years. Maybe the time has come to settle down with the teaching, maybe the time has come to revolve around my inner being rather then around the outside globe.
As time passes by I regain my body more and more, become stronger, gain muscles and the trust that I can physically BE in this world. BE able to cary my weight, the weight of the past and of who I am and was, and who I will to become. To release and let go and still carry. BE able to lift light weights of other objects. Start to be able to push and pull. BE able to stand for longer periods of time. BE able to walk, truly walk, using all the ideal muscles in better ways. BE able to embody my own body, this body that has walked with me all along, even when I unknowingly forced it to work in far from optimal ways, in far from optimal postures, in far from optimal positions, and still it adapted, adapted to my needs.
It adapted to holding back the fear when I was too young and too stressed to be able to deal with it. It adapted to holding back the anger, when it was not safe for me to express it. It adapted to desensitise myself from my stomach feeling, so I would not be forced to deal with more then what my cup could hold. It adapted to long hours of sitting in front of a screen without movement. It adapted to long long hours sitting sitting. It adapted so miraculously to sitting, that I no longer knew how to stand and how to walk correctly.
And all these past years, half a decade at least, I was feeling that it was malfunctioning, that it’s doing wrong. That it’s broken, that it’s damaged, that it’s unbalanced. But actually- it was willingly adapting itself to the unbalanced ways that I used it. It was not that it was malfunctioning, it was actually that it did it’s best to function in unideal circumstances, in an un-functional environment. My body was not broken, it was just adapting to a broken way of being.
Gaining my being is gaining my body back, is bringing movement into my life instead of the stagnation that I once used to sit in. This thing of mine has muscled and joints and arteries to support and enable movement. It’s not only my blood that flows within my veins, the whole thing as a unit is designed for movement, and not in vain…
So as I’m enlarging my vessel, as I’m enlarging the cup, my cup can hold more now. And as it holds more, fear and anger start to come back. Holding my cup is recognising these feelings, learning my inner holding is giving the right space and time for them to express. Gaining my emotions back I can paint with the full pallet of sensing, feeling and being. Gaining back my emotions is gaining back my body, and my life.
Gaining my body, I sat in the sun yesterday to let my hair dry. It was the first time since, since I don’t know when, I cannot remember, that I actually enjoyed the sensation of the sun’s rays heating my skin. I have been avoiding it for so many years due to the pain of light in my eyes during recurrent migraines, that I completely forgot that this experience can actually be enjoyable. And then I remembered, how much I liked being in the sun when I was a kid. I would spend almost every day of our summer vacations from school, in the pool, in the sun, outside.
Regaining my body and emotions, is coming back to life, to living life as an able human being can: knowing how to stand, knowing how to walk, being able to feel, knowing how to be, and above all- using this right. This right of feeling, walking and embodying my body and my self and all my little selves. Using this right, of using the body ideally, using this right of passage, passage through the life and days and terrain, the terrain of my emotions and inner self. Using this right, Using this gift, of feeling, standing, walking and being.
Regaining my body, I learn how to be.