or: Jaw Alignment
Yesterday during alignment Ringo cracked my jaw to the right. The experience was so scary and I was very shaken, frightened and unstable, and the jaw was hurting.
I know quite well how the subtle energy in my head usually feels like, from the morning meditation explorations and from all the (unfortunately- for many years- daily) migraines. Right after the alignment I was not really able to stand or communicate so I went and lay down on the grass. I was very much so in my body and felt the subtle energy running inside my scull, but on my right side of it, it was moving in different patterns then before. I can not quite put a finger on it and explain exactly what was different, it was just an unusual sensation that stayed. As if the energy is now using new (or very old forgotten?) pathways.
I lay down there for a while in the shade but as time passed by the sun moved and a ray of direct sun hit my right eye. Usually when direct sun hits my eye, the immediate result is an instinctive pain. But for the first time since I can’t remember when – the sun was directly penetrating my eyes without ANY pain. I could open my eyes in the light and see the leaves of the coconut palm trees dancing softly in the air, and the rays of light passing between them, and touching my face. And it felt very nice.
I can’t remember when ever in the past few years I was able to be in such a simple way- laying in the sun- without pain. But then and there on the grass in the clinic the word revealed itself anew to me in a new light. When light is just a soft warm sensation rather then an outer emanation that causes pain.
To regain my body, I slowly regain my life. To regain my life would be to go out of my darkness in the cave to the pure bright light. I’ve been avoiding brightness and light for so many years now that I forgot that the sun can bring pleasant sensations.
I’ve been living here in Patnem, Quepem Wada, for four months now, in a small apartment with a garden right by the river. But I never spent time at the garden cause the sun was too bright for me. I would lay down to siesta inside my dark cave of a room. And only after the brightness would ease, I would go out to the beach to see the sunset and the waves.
There comes a time after ten years of chronic dis-ease that healing from it is the only option. It’s the only option cause there’s no other option, cause to keep living as the old “me”s is not a life worth living. To die before I die, I must live truly while I’m still alive. I must see the world not only through the wells of darkness and pain, but also through the bright light of joy.
To truly live before I die, I must step out from the dungeon of suffering miserable little “I”s once in a while and put my face upon brightly lit earth. Not that the poor ones are not worth visiting down there in the cellars of my own-made-prison, but also, not that the sun and light should be avoided all together.
For me there came a time that there is no other way other then to heal. And only when I decided and realised and fully embodied it, only then the healing could come. And only after I experienced on my body that the stretches are really working, and realised that I’m to heal myself with them, only then things got clearly better. And only one day before my last in the clinic, only then Ringo aligned my jaw and I might slowly be able to see sunlight more and more. So now it’s time not only to see myself in the light, but to see the outside world in the light as well.